"As I Am, I Am Enough" by Chanta Pelham
聽 As far back as I can remember, I have been called pretty. I remember being a small girl,
and people stopping my mama to tell them how beautiful they thought I was. With full cheeks
and a round face, I would smile. It didn鈥檛 take me long for me to realize that I was being
complimented. As trauma would have it, that smile would diminish as years passed. Moving
through adolescence I would hear things like 鈥測ou鈥檙e so pretty, you should smile more鈥� and
鈥測ou鈥檙e too pretty to not be smiling.鈥� It got to the point, in my teenage years, that I felt like the
acknowledgement of my beauty was just something people said; I did not quite understand what
a compliment was.
聽 Furthermore, it happened so often, I started to become jaded. That became clearer to me
as I approached young adulthood. I started to wonder why I didn鈥檛 feel internally what so many
people acknowledged about me externally. I would think to myself 鈥渆veryone can鈥檛 be lying. If
it鈥檚 true, why don鈥檛 I feel pretty? Cognitive dissonance is defined as anxiety or discomfort that
results from simultaneously holding contradictory or otherwise incompatible attitudes, beliefs, or
the like. While I wouldn鈥檛 be able to define what I was feeling until much later in my life, this
disruption within me is what inspired my journey toward mental wellness.
聽 Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has been a part of my life for the last ten years. I recall the
early days explaining to my then therapist, my deep frustration. How was it that others could see
in me what I was unable to see in myself? I felt like I was losing my mind. I wanted so badly to
be able to agree when someone said something kind to me. I would dismiss compliments or
change the subject. The more I settled into the fact that I did not agree with them, the more
uncomfortable I became. 鈥淲hat is wrong with me,鈥� I would ask her. At this point in the journey,
my analytical brain told me that this was a problem to solve. If I could just figure out where the
disconnect was, I could close the gap and quell the anxiety. I laugh now thinking about how
wrong I was.
聽 My intuition has always been my superpower; even when I was unaware of how it
worked for me. I have the God-given gift of self-awareness. I call it a gift, because it is not
something I was taught. A gift and sometimes a curse. As a full-grown woman with children of
my own, I now understand why ignorance is bliss. There were many times throughout my life
when I wished I just didn鈥檛 know. I felt accountable to the knowledge and truth of who I was,
who I wasn鈥檛 and the areas within me that could use some work. Again, I was approaching this
entire thing from a logical space. Surely, I could rationalize all of this. Understanding how
trauma informed my adulthood would be the key to 鈥渇ixing鈥� me, right? According to my
therapist, that was only a small portion of the process transforming from the inside out.
聽 It wouldn鈥檛 take long for me to learn that the trauma of what was done to me in my
childhood changed the chemistry of my brain. How I felt about myself, at this time, inadequate,
unworthy, insufficient, insignificant 鈥� was absolutely a result of the pain I endured. That known,
it was still my responsibility to heal. It was a tough pill to swallow accepting that what was done
to me was not my fault, yet I was responsible for the relationship I had with myself as a result.
聽 I started going to therapy because I wanted nothing more than to love and accept myself.
I wanted to be kinder to myself. I wanted to extend the compassion to myself that I so freely
offered to others. I couldn鈥檛 seem to reconcile how I was seemingly able to show up in ways for
others that I refused to show up for myself in. Through years of unpacking what seemed like
thousands of bags full of shame, guilt and immense pain, I am proud to be in a much more
peaceful place. Healing is messy. It isn鈥檛 linear and we never 鈥渁rrive.鈥� It is a lifelong journey.
What I have learned in therapy, is that the chemistry of the brain, the neural pathways, can be
changed. We can adopt new thought processes; new behaviors and new relationships with
ourselves.
聽 I could write a book on how much I鈥檝e learned. The practices and tools have changed my
life. Learning the importance of boundaries and positive self-talk, for example. Learning how to
be my own advocate; how to support, encourage and hold space for myself. All of me. On the
good days and on the not-so-good days. Of all of these things, what has resonated with me most
is that I do enough, I have enough, and I alone am enough.